I’ve come to a place in my life where I can not enjoy a moment or an event without having the fear of some sort of bad repercussions. These moments that are meant to be joyful (for me) are no longer joyful! It is more like anxiety and fear. It wrenches my guts, eats at my mind, and makes my heart feel heavy with hurt. I become suspicious! Thinking of and worrying about all possible outcomes. None of which are good and all that make me feel vulnerable to being hurt no matter how detached I try to stay. I wish at times I could be invisible or be unavailable, but neither are possible nor are they solutions. Sometimes, I think it’s all in my head. It’s just me, or that I’m the the problem. And, maybe to some degree, it is exaggerated in my head! But because of past experiences, I’m very cautious and guarded. I have a very guarded heart almost to the point of too much, and I’m scared of what the consequences will be if I continue to live in this state of being? I fully believe that the phrase “changed in the twinkling of an eye” does not have anything to do with a person’s physical death! I have had this “change” within myself and could never go back to the unguarded, trusting, & compassionate carefree person I was before. I am cautious and always waiting for the next blow or crush. It is the same with the ones I have seen change. They can never change back to what or who I have seen them as before either. Yet we’re as entwined together as are the veins within my body. There is no way out without collateral damage to the innocent victims , the children! The child loves without prejudice or judgment. It is pure and without a stipulation or reason. The only “twinkle” they have is in their eyes when they’re wrapping their arms around me and expressing love and joy.
loveornothin 